It’s difficult to imagine anyone in their right mind joining a military-specific dating application, especially with a barrage of other options available. And yet, more than a thousand reviews on applications like “Uniform Dating” would indicate otherwise.
At what sad point does one resort to a military-themed dating app? How many disappointments from other platforms must transpire to bring one to this stage? Is such an app the next in line after Farmers Only, Ugly Schmucks, or Meet-An-Inmate?
“There are literally thousands of singles in the world who want to meet military men; not only is there no shame in it, it’s probably the most common ‘niche’ dating interest out there,” Uniform Dating’s description reads. “So, it should really come as no surprise that there are many websites which aim to connect military men looking for love with singles who want to meet single military guys.”
But it does come as a surprise. One does not simply achieve dreams of romance with Pfc. Shmuckatelli.
Swipe right for crippling debt. Swipe right for an instantaneous deployments following matrimony. Swipe right to grant an E-3 the desire for BAH. Swipe right for marriage after three weeks of barracks-confined dates.
“As luck would have it we can help you there; our new and improved dating site is the best in the local area for military men looking for a wife,” the app boasts. “If you want to meet our single army guys … sign in, and be your usual lovely self.
“So, are you ready to meet Lt. Right?”
You came for Lt. Right, but you’ll leave with Spc. Wrong.
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And it’s not just a male-centric search — Uniformed Dating also addresses the desire to find a uniformed woman.
“Are you hoping to meet attractive military girls for potential relationships near you? If you have answered in the affirmative, then you will be greatly impressed by the web service we can offer you,” the cheesiest app in the Milky Way galaxy states.
“If your ultimate dream is to track down single military women whom you could fall in love with, with a much longer-term aspiration in mind, we can provide a diverse cross-section of uniformed talent for you to sift through.”
Let’s see what thrilled users are saying about their app experience.
“This app is completely horrible,” one review states. “I joined it and within the first couple days all I had were bots talking to me. I never had … one real person chat with me. … I’ve sent maybe eight emails to this company requesting a refund… never got back to me. If I could put a half star for this app I would. Don’t get this unless you want to be scammed and lose your money.”
In fairness, kissing your money goodbye does sound like an authentic, young-love military experience. So, credit where it’s due to Uniformed Dating for staying on-brand.
Russian bots are strongly encouraged to apply.
About J.D. Simkins
J.D. Simkins is a writer and editor for Military Times who was a Marine scout observer from 2004-2008. He ugly cried when the Washington Capitals won the 2018 Stanley Cup.